An Intentional Life

Fat = Failure

2011-10-28T17:48:00.001-04:00

This is where I stand... I believe that I am a failure because I'm fat. All the things I accomplish every day/week/year are measured against the fact that I am still fat. I don't measure up in my own eyes and if I stay fat, I feel like I never will.

My daughter said she loved me today and in response I teased, "You really love me?" and she said, "Why wouldn't I?" This little girl loves me no matter what. She rubs my belly, plays with my underarm fat and showers my face with kisses. She calls me beautiful. God bless her, but I can't see it. I pray one day that I can.

Quitter, Part 2

2011-09-13T22:16:00.000-04:00

I quit Oasis today. I was too exhausted to go this morning and this afternoon I made the decision that I needed to drop this from my schedule. My husband and my children need to move to the front of the line. I can't keep doing so many things that I'm too tired to function.

The phrase of the week is "Reorient Priorities".

Quitter...

2011-09-13T15:33:00.002-04:00

I'm struggling with following through. I have ideas and intentions that would make you and I so proud, but I have a hard time following through. As you'll notice, I posted for 4 months in 2010 and then once this year. There are so many reasons I could give you for why I stopped, but reality is, I'm a quitter.

Right about now is where I'd normally think of quitting this post. Today, I'm going to soldier on to the finish line. I am going to work on my personal perseverance. I'm going to work on setting reasonable and manageable goals for myself and celebrating like hell when I succeed. I see a sticker chart in my future. :)

Never Give Up

2011-01-20T13:53:00.000-05:00

I started this blog last January. I abruptly stopped posting in April. I was scared of exposing myself too much. Afraid of people reading and talking to me about what I wrote. I was just plain scared.

Well, here's to stepping out on a limb again.

Years go by and it feels like dreams slip away faster and faster. When I think about where I would be at this time in my life, it doesn't seem like I would be here. So often I have hidden my head in the sand and hoped it would get better. It's like I'm waiting for a pill I can swallow and I can wake up in Wonderland and my life has been miraculously healed. I'm tired, lazy and unorganized. I'm floating on life, letting it carry me away.

I want to develop the strength to plant my feet in the ground and fight. Fight for my life.

What is my passion???

2010-04-27T22:09:00.000-04:00

Some of my friends and family are truly pursuing their passions. Starting businesses, going back to school, writing novels. I have to admit that I'm terribly jealous. Not of what they're doing specifically, just that they KNOW what their passion is and are willing to do the hard work.

My struggle since I was young was not being sure of what I wanted to do with my life. I felt like I got a reprieve when I got married and had children. It was like that part of me could be put on hold while I raised my family. But now, I'm done having kids and my last child is now a toddler. I feel like I need to really start investigating my passions.

For My Husband

2010-04-20T23:19:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to be intentional in alot of areas of my life this year. Some have been easy, others have been an ongoing struggle. One area of my life that I've really been neglecting is my relationship with my husband.

It's been pretty easy to put my relationship on the back burner. I'm a mom to four active kids. I am responsible for the upkeep of our home and finances. I'm heavily involved in our church. I have an active social circle. I kept telling myself that none of those things are bad things. And that may be true, but I put all those things ahead of nurturing and growing my relationship with my husband.

I can't do that anymore. My husband is important to me. His mental and spiritual health are important to me. I am committing to putting him back on my priority list. I am committing to praying for him and over him daily. He's going through some tough inner battles and he needs me to be supportive. We still may not spend every single evening together, but I am going to make sure that the time we spend together is quality time and that I give him my time and energy (not just what's left over) and show him my love and dedication.

I really do love that man...

God's Word Over My Children

2010-04-13T23:51:00.000-04:00

There is a wonderful godly woman at my Tuesday morning Bible study that prays Bible verses over her children daily, sometimes more than once a day. The verses she uses are so powerful and I thought I would share them with you.

My children fear the Lord, and keep all of His statutes and His commandments. They love the Lord their God with all their mind, heart, their entire being and with all their might. (Deuteronomy 6:2,5)

My children are the head and not the tail, and they shall be above only, and they shall not be beneath... because they heed the commandments of the Lord their God and are watchful to do them. (Deuteronomy 28:13)

My children choose life and blessing. They love the Lord, obey His voice, and cling to Him, for He is their life and the length of their days. (Deuteronomy 30:19-20)

My children make right choices according to the word of God. (Isaiah 54:13)

as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are my children in the hands of the Lord. (Jeremiah 18:6)

All of my children have Christian friends, and God has set aside a Christian wife for Micah and Asher and a Christian husband for Elizabeth and Olivia. (1 Corinthians. 15:33)

My children walk & live in the Holy Spirit, and are responsive to and controlled and guided by the Spirit. (Galations 5:16)

My children have the Spirit of wisdom and revelation... of insight into mysteries and secrets in the deep & intimate knowledge of God. Their eyes have been flooded with light, so that they can know & understand the hope to which God has called them, and how rich is His glorious inheritance in the saints. (Ephesians 1:17-18)

My children obey me in the Lord, for this is right. They honor Mommy & Daddy which is the 1st commandment with a promise - that it may go well with them, and that they may enjoy long life on the earth. (Ephesians. 6:1-3)

My children do all things without grumbling, faultfinding, complaining, questioning & doubting. (Philippians. 2:14)

My children love to pray & study the word. (2 Timothy 2:15)

My children have a teachable spirit. (Proverbs 14:16)

My children have the mind of Christ. (1 Corinthians 2:16)

My children can do all things through Christ who strengthens them. (Philippians 4:13)

I am going to print this out and try to pray these verses over my children daily. This is a good way for me to help build the armor of Christ around my dear little ones.

Purge Purge Purge

2010-04-11T22:21:00.000-04:00

I've got the bug! I've been cleaning out closets and drawers. I've opened trunks that haven't been opened in years! There's a garage sale in my future!! There's something so wonderful about getting rid of stuff. I know my whole family has too many things. It's good to make some of it disappear.

One big thing that's going is all the baby clothes and baby gear. I'm so excited to be moving on from that period of our life. Olivia is well and truly a toddler. So, out goes the onesies, bottles and baby toys. We'll see what I can sell. The good thing is, all the baby gear has a home to go to even if I don't sell it, so it won't be coming back into my house!

Once some of the clutter is gone, it's on to spring cleaning. I'm actually looking forward to getting into all the nooks and crannies and getting it all squeaky clean. I might even clean my windows! How about you? Any spring cleaning plans? Any tips?

I need to eat a frog every morning

2010-03-30T13:43:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to express how happy I am that my taxes are finished! I'm so happy in fact, that it makes me wonder why it took me so long to finish them. All I had to do last night was enter in a number or two and then e-file. I had done 95% of the work quite a few weeks ago, but for some reason couldn't bring myself to finish them until now. It makes it even more sad because we were getting a nice size refund (thanks Olivia) so all that money was just sitting in the government's bank account, calling out to me. This is just another example of my professional level procrastination skills. (too bad it isn't an olympic sport)

I've been a procrastinator since elementary school. There's a certain amount of thrill involved then you are rushing to finish a homework assignment as the teacher is asking you to pass papers up. But there is obviously a large chunk of stupidity involved too. I've gotten into trouble a number of times because a project wasn't done/I wasn't prepared. I also only lasted 1 year in college due in part to a horrible case of procrastination.

Now I see this tendency developing in my oldest child. He'll wait and wait to do something and then just rush through it without doing his best work. I just love it when your children inherit some of your "wonderful" traits.

I think "fear of doing actual work" goes hand in hand with procrastination. For some reason, the thought of my taxes conjured up scenes of hours with paper, pencil and calculator that I would never escape from, when in reality it took like 10 minutes to finish. The same goes with organizing and cleaning my house in routine manner. The job just seems too big. I blow it up to an enormous size in my mind and then I just won't do it. I'm even finding that I want to procrastinate when it comes to jogging. The fear of my body actually hurting will sometimes keep me from exercise.

What I'm trying to learn, however, is the fear of doing the work and the lack of desire to do the work is not as big as the reality of doing the work and the feeling of accomplishment when I get it done. For instance, after I was finished with my taxes, I felt an extreme sense of relief along with the obligatory kicking myself for waiting so long. I'm also so thrilled with myself when I get outside and jog, even though I don't want to do it.

I'm actually imagining a day where I'll lace up my shoes and be so excited to go jog or I'll get right on my taxes February 1. It's time to realize I have to just get on with it. Do the hard stuff first so the rest of the day can go smoother. I was reading in a blog last night a phrase that stuck with me. It said, "Eat a frog first thing every morning. That way the whole day is bound to get better." This means, do the thing you dread the most, first. It's all up from there.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and eat a frog (a frog in the form of "getting ready for the garage sale"). Are you going to eat a frog tomorrow too?

Starting Over Again...

2010-03-28T22:28:00.000-04:00

Have you ever wanted to do something, started doing it and then after maybe 3 days totally stopped doing it? Yeah? Well me too... I am forever starting something and not following through. I feel like the past few months I've been spinning in circles. Not being intentional at all. So, here we go again. I figure that I can't get too down on myself because at least I keep getting back on the horse.

First on the agenda? Getting my house in order. Our subdivision is having a garage sale in 3 weeks, so in that time I need to go through closets and drawers and purge, purge, purge!!! It's nice to have a deadline so I have to move my butt.The most exciting thing will be getting rid of all our baby supplies. The high chair is going, the bouncy seat is going, everything but the crib is going. It will be nice to move on from the baby stage and embrace Olivia as a toddler.

I'm also continuing with the C25K program, finishing up week 3 tomorrow. I've been so excited with how well things have been going with jogging. I never thought I would be able to jog for a minute, let alone 5. I'm really feeling like I'm going to be ready to run the Girls on the Run 5k with my niece Emily. Yay!!

I have to say this or I'll lose my mind.

2010-03-26T14:46:00.000-04:00

I haven't been posting very much the past few weeks... One of the reasons for this is my life here is colliding occasionally with my real life. I've had well meaning friends confront me/talk to me in person on some things I've posted here. That was my fear in starting a blog.

This blog isn't about my family. There aren't cute pictures of my kids and vacations we've taken. It isn't an informational blog... It's just about me and my inner life and struggles. Perhaps this isn't the best arena for that, but I was going to give it a try. I try to be honest about what I'm going through. I try to write on here some of the things that I can't "say" to people about me. If I could say them to people, I wouldn't be writing them here. There are things that I want to write that I don't want anyone to mention to me in person. It creates extreme anxiety at the moment. I'm not at the place where I can have dozens of frank discussions about my body and weight and the very real emotional struggles I'm going through.

Notice I said "yet". I would love to be able to be a completely open book. I pray that someday that will happen. If it does happen, I'll let you know. Then you can call me out on things all you want. Until then, those of you who know me and love me, just pray for me. Leave comments of encouragement for me. If something I write really concerns you, send me an email. But please don't confront me in person. Don't try and be my accountability person. I have some people in my life who hold me accountable. I'm not taking anymore applications.

If any of that was too harsh, I apologize. I've just been feeling really crappy about this lately and I had to get it off my chest. Thanks!

It's been too long

2010-03-19T08:46:00.000-04:00

Sorry it's been so long. I've been busy and frankly haven't had much to say.

Since I've been gone, I started using my Weight Watchers materials and posting on a site called 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet. That site has so many wonderful women on it who are trying to lose weight and they all hold each other accountable and give each other tips and encouragement. Any of you out there who are struggling with weight issues, I encourage you to check it out.

In that time I've also started doing a Couch to 5K program. It shows you how to go from a non-runner to being able to run 30 minutes continuously ( and hopefully complete a 5K). I'm on Week 2 Day 2 today, which means I do intervals of running 90 seconds and walking 2 minutes. When I did it on Wednesday, I hate to say it rocked my world. It's hard for me to run with all this weight on me, but I'm going to keep on doing it.

Other areas of life are still a mess, but that's quite normal. We just keep on keepin' on over here.

More later...

Above all, be kind.

2010-03-09T16:43:00.000-05:00

It's back to basics time. As you've read, I struggle with depression. This on top of my weight struggle and my desire to challenge myself to spend more time with God has made me, sadly, overwhelmed. I got to a point where I couldn't even focus on simple strategies.

So, I stopped blogging and started journalling. It was starting to get hard to come here and write when I couldn't even sort out my thoughts in my head. I just started writing anything and everything that was in my head. I wanted to start to figure out how to start over. This is what I came up with.

1. Be kind to myself.

I get so down on myself when I fail that I just want to give up. I tell myself that I'm not capable of making changes and I pretty much suck. I'm working on stopping those thoughts as soon as they start.

1a. Forgive myself when I make mistakes.

This is part of 1. I'm not perfect. I couldn't possibly do everything right. I need to accept that and move on.

1b. Move on right away

After part 1a. I need to jump back on the horse RIGHT AWAY! Not tomorrow, not Monday, not next month, right away. If I mess up with my eating, I've always said, well, there goes that day, I'll just eat like crap for the rest of the day. Or, I'll get back on track on Monday, even if I flub on a Tuesday. Every moment counts.

So there's my back to basics beginning...

Don't worry, I don't live in the bell jar.

2010-03-02T17:04:00.000-05:00

Depression sucks. It feels like my brain chemistry is attacking my very happiness sometimes. The good thing is, it's not always as bad as it's been the past few days. Like everything, there are good times and bad times. I've been having a harder time of it lately. I've had horrible mood swings where I'll be crying in public wishing I could sleep under a large layer of snow and 30 minutes later I'll feel normal again. I've been feeling incredibly lonely when I'm surrounded by friends and family. I think it's all because I forgot to take a few doses of my anti-depressant.

Yes, I'm medicated. I'm scared of myself when I'm not medicated. Problem is, I think I'm scared of my medication. I realized that I missed two doses and was also having some stomach problems so off I went to my computer to read up on anti-depressant withdrawal symptoms. I was more than a bit scared that there are more than 50 things that can happen to you if you stop taking the pills. Sometimes the cure seems worse than the problem.

I'm writing this just so you'll know that people who seem to have it together, are outgoing and fun to be around can still be suffering underneath. We all have our issues. Depression is one of mine. I doubt that I will ever be "cured" this side of heaven. I talk to God a lot about my depression and I know He's got my back. Some days are worse than others but medication helps manage things and for the most part I feel "normal", whatever that is.

My very special day.

2010-02-27T18:52:00.000-05:00

Today was the day I was going to spend by myself. Eat by myself, go to the library by myself, have a massage and a pedicure and walk around downtown by myself. Doesn't that sound lovely?

I started my day at The Biscuit in Washington Square. This restaurant it just fabulous. They do just breakfast and lunch and they do it well. I ordered the Chicken Apple Hash and it was just divine.

Next came the library. This is when my special day started feeling a little less special. Before I left this morning, my stomach wasn't feeling great, but I soldiered on. While I was at The Biscuit, I was so absorbed in my breakfast that I didn't notice my stomach at all. At the library, my stomach started feeling a little more off. I was also feeling a tad bit lightheaded. I sat in a chair and just stared out the window and for some reason I was feeling sad and weepy. Special, I know.

I had an appointment for a half hour massage at Noon, and I didn't want to miss it, so again, I soldiered on. The minute I walked out of the massage I felt like crap. I got the chills and my stomach felt even worse. But even so, I'm not a girl who usually throws up and I wanted to get to my pedicure. I drove downtown to Smooch Beauty Boutique and found a parking space on Eighth Street. I was early so I sat in the car and thumbed through one of the books I had gotten at the library.

Five minutes before I was scheduled to begin my pedi, I threw up all over myself in my car. And when I say all over myself, I mean ALL OVER MYSELF!!

Special Day, OVER! The End. :(

I need Spring

2010-02-26T08:54:00.000-05:00

I need sunshine and warm weather. I need it now. The gloom is sitting right on top of me like that rain cloud over Charlie Brown. I'm still struggling with depression. I'm still struggling with my weight. I'm still struggling with being intentional. I'm so tempted to get on a plane and fly somewhere warm...by myself!

Sorry for the downer post. It's just where I am this morning. Hopefully my day will get better...

Fail

2010-02-24T08:59:00.000-05:00

No, I didn't log into Facebook or eat at Mc Donald's yesterday. I got off track on my Lenten Calendar . I had very good intentions, but was hung up on yesterday's instruction. It talked about calling someone with whom you've had a falling out and make amends. The only person I thought of was my birth mother. Problem is, I have no interest in speaking to her, so there went that day. ( I know that it kind of seems like I should probably have tried to contact her, but there is so much water under that bridge that I'm not even sure the bridge is in any shape to cross.)

So I got up this morning ready to get back on track and after I had breakfast, I saw the the activity for the day was fasting during daylight hours. It was already daylight. So there's another day. I'm sure I could've just fasted for the rest of the day, but I'm totally not in the head space to do it today.

I feel a bit "blech" with myself for my attitude, but not as much as I would've thought. Frankly, it's all I can do to keep off Facebook and not shovel food into my mouth. I'm giving myself some grace.

Speaking of shoveling food in my mouth, I would have to say that I haven't done that in a while. I'm doing pretty well with eating intentionally. I also managed to sit at Mc Donald's yesterday with my kids and not eat so much as a fry. I packed my sandwich and banana and was very satisfied. Could I do that forever? Maybe... Although, I missed having chicken nuggets. I'm just so thrilled with how many calories I'm saving by not stopping at a drive thru everyday, not to mention money. My family is also eating better, since there is no fall back of stopping at a fast food restaurant whenever I'm too lazy/tired/uninspired to make dinner.

One more thing... I know there are people reading this, so I would like to say that I would love it if you would just send a comment saying hello. That's all you need to do... Come on, don't be shy.

Sin Stinks

2010-02-22T11:15:00.000-05:00

Sin is like that smell you just can't get away from. No matter how much cleaning you do and windows you open you just can't seem to get rid of it. My husband and I were dealing with stinky sin yesterday and it's still lingering. It's hard not to think that there's no rising above the smell.

I hate to liken God to cleaning products, but He is like Febreze and bleach, all in one. He takes away the smell and disinfects the sin. I'm leaning on God and trusting His ability to cleanse all the dark smelly stuff that lives in our hearts.

"If we claim to be without sin,
we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just
and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1: 8-9

Day 5 - Write a prayer to God explaining the habits, behaviors and sins you want to die to.

It's getting better all the time.

2010-02-20T22:54:00.000-05:00

There was very little anxiety today, thank God! I went about my business running errands this morning and it was getting past lunch time. What would I normally have done? Stopped at Wendy's or Mc Donald's and had me some lunch. What did I do today? Ate a Fiber One bar that I had stashed in my car (for occasions such as this) so it could tide me over until I got home. Went to a movie tonight...love me some buttery popcorn. What did I do? Ordered a diet soda and enjoyed it thoroughly, thank you! And as soon as I got home, just so I wouldn't mindlessly snack, I brushed my teeth. It wasn't all successes today (like I wish I had spent more time at the gym) but overall, I had some nice small victories!

I'm also slowly getting over not knowing everything that's going on on Facebook. I'm definitely on the computer a lot less, which was part of the point. I'm trying to keep perspective on my "sacrifice" and give to God any anxiety I'm feeling. I love that trusting God works. It's quite an amazing thing!

Day 3 -- Shovel or snowblow your neighbor's driveway. *Since we were the only ones on the street with snow left in our driveway, I shoveled ours for a while instead. :)*

What am I learning?

2010-02-20T00:19:00.000-05:00

I realize that some people may think that giving up Facebook or fast food might be silly as something to do for Lent. I mean, what does that have to do with God anyway? To be honest, I wasn't exactly sure what the answer to that was a few days ago, but I'm figuring it out now.

Facebook represented both an avenue of communication and a way to peer into other people's lives. I looked to it to fill any loneliness that I was feeling, being a SAHM and saw it as a way to seek attention. How I've found that relates to my spiritual life is that I know that I should be looking to God to fill my holes, not others. I also need to be aware of how I should be spending more time nurturing the relationships inside my home. That's always one that's hard for me because my husband and I don't have the best communication skills. Instead of spending time seeking attention from other people, I need to concentrate my efforts on building a stronger link with Steve.

Fast food represents all that's wrong with my food addiction. I crave foods that are inherently bad for me. If' it's salty, sweet or fattening, I'm all for it. I also want everything NOW NOW NOW. I'm still feeling anxiety when it comes to giving up that immediate food source. I don't like it one bit. What I'm trying to do when I feel anxious is pray. Pray for peace and calm in my body. Pray for contentment. To be honest, I keep praying that God will take this struggle from me. I still hold out hope that one day, I'll wake up and food will no longer have this sway over me. Although I believe that God can do that, I doubt he will. I have so many lessons to learn about myself and I feel like I'm sitting down in the front of the class right now.

I covet all your prayers in this. Please pray, as I am, that I will sit in my discomfort and struggle through this. Please pray that I won't run away, as I've done so often in the past. Jesus is my deliverer, I firmly believe it.

Day 2 -- Do some chores around the house you wouldn't normally do.

Panic set in early.

2010-02-18T11:08:00.001-05:00

I'm giving stuff up for Lent as I wrote in "What are you willing to give up?". Yesterday was Day 1 for me and I was surprised at how hard it was. I instinctively go to Facebook every morning to see what's going in my friend world and to tell everyone what's going on in mine. I had to close the tab on my browser that I leave open for Facebook. It is such a habit.

I also started feeling twitchy about fast food yesterday, even though I didn't go out until it was time for church. It's like, when I feel like my options are open with food, I feel more calm. I felt quieter all day and more sad. It was very strange. I get very anxious about food when I know I'm "controlling" it, but when I give myself free reign, the anxiety is totally gone.

One thing that was really exciting, though, was how good it felt to get back into the Bible. I read my Psalm for the day to my daughter. She just laid down next to me and listened attentively. I'm going to repeat that today. It's a good way for me to show my children that being in God's word everyday is important.

Day 1 -- No Texting, Just Calling.

What are you willing to give up?

2010-02-16T16:29:00.000-05:00

On the way home from bible study today, my son asked told me that we have to give stuff up tomorrow. I asked him what he was talking about. He said that tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and we have to give up stuff to Jesus. He told me that a kid in his class was giving up his Wii and another kid was giving up candy. Asher wanted to give his favorite spinning top to Jesus but was unsure about how we would get it to heaven.

This is one of those teachable moments parents long for. After the girls went down for their naps, Asher and I had a great conversation about Ash Wednesday, Lent and giving things to Jesus. He decided that he wanted to give his anger up to Jesus. He gets angry a lot and cries and screams. He wanted to be able to let that go and let Jesus deal with it. I told him how I was going to give up fast food for Lent. He thought that was a good idea. We talked about how we would have to pray to Jesus whenever we felt like getting angry or eating fast food. I was glad I could have that conversation with my son and look forward to talking about Lent more with him during the next few weeks.

For those of you who don't know what Lent is, I found a good description as well as a Lenten Calendar at this website .

I can't remember the last time I gave up something for Lent, but this year seemed especially appropriate since I'm on a quest to change how I live my life. I have been thinking about what I need to let go of this Lenten season and the thing that jumped out first was fast food. It's the combination of the sweet/salty/fatty food that I crave and the instant gratification that fast food provides. It's the perfect storm for obese people like me. What seems to make it even more enticing is that you can go through the drive thru, order whatever garbage you want and then you can eat it in the comfort and privacy of your own car. You don't need to sit in a booth and have other people stare at you while you eat. When I stop and think about it, it's pretty sad.

A friend of mine also suggested not just giving things up to God, but also adding something for Him. I'm going to renew my commitment to daily devotions. While I'm always a bit nervous about any kind of commitments, I'm looking forward to doing this. I know there will be some spiritual/character growth that will come out of it.

Are you considering giving anything to God for Lent?

Okay, okay. I'm pulling it together

2010-02-13T21:56:00.000-05:00

I've had my head stuck in a negative place the past week. I've been feeling incapable of meeting my goals. I've been feeling like a big failure. In short, I've been handing Satan the victory and he didn't even have to try.

To be honest, I'm not exactly sure what to do to next. My brain is a little fried today, so I'm fresh out of insights. But what I'm going to make sure I do every day from now on is to have a positive attitude about my body and weight loss.

I was reading in a book recently about the idea that 'like attracts like'. If you have a crappy attitude, chances are things are going to feel crappy. If you are a positive person, chances are you will feel positive, regardless of what life deals you. I know that lately I haven't been feeling like I'm even capable of losing this weight. I've been feeling like it's too hard and guess what... it started getting too hard. I was overloading my schedule and it was hard to find time to get to the gym. I was eating out too much and getting very little sleep. A recipe for disaster.

I'm going to continue to work on little changes. This week I'm going to tackle one of my big adversaries... fast food. I'm giving up eating at restaurants with drive-thrus for Lent. This is going to be a good thing.

By the way, thank you to everyone who has been and continues to pray for me. I can feel it, I really can...

It feels like enemy is winning

2010-02-09T23:50:00.000-05:00

It's so frustrating to want something so bad but continue to fail to do it. I got my period this weekend and I've been a bit of a hormonal mess. I kept thinking over the past few days that there isn't any use. I can't do this. It's too hard. I'm not being a very good manager of my life. I know it.

My dear friend Lisa told me tonight that I just need to stick to my plan. She's right, as usual. I get too emotional and give up when things aren't working. I just need to plan what to do and then do what I plan.

"But now, Lord, what do I look for?
My hope is in you.

Save me from all my transgressions;
do not make me the scorn of fools."

Psalm 39: 7-8

Do not let me be put to shame...

2010-02-07T00:06:00.000-05:00

Food is stressful. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy eating. If I didn't enjoy eating, there's almost no way I could be this heavy. But food makes me nervous. I've said to many people, many times, that I wish I could be tube fed. All the choices that surround eating can be to hard to handle.

When I'm trying hard to control my eating, I get very worked up and stressed out about everything I choose to put in my mouth. It's like walking a tightrope. It takes so much mental and physical energy to get across and there's always that fear of a wrong step and down I go. When I stop caring about what I'm putting in my mouth, I'm so much more relaxed. The pressure is off. My brain doesn't hurt so much.

I can be a very black or white person when it comes to diet. I'm either on or off. I have a hard time with moderation. A few months ago I gave up soda. I was drinking way too much and I felt like it wasn't good for me. I didn't just cut down to one or two a day, I gave it up, cold turkey. I don't know how to just have one soda a day.

When I was doing so well at Weight Watchers, I was on plan all the time. I was terribly high strung and anxious, but I was on plan. The problem became that I couldn't sustain that kind of anxiety. It was awful. Instead of just moderating my eating, which would have led to slower weight loss, I started to binge on my former "forbidden" foods. To mitigate any affect the overeating would have on my weight loss, I started purging. I would throw up 2-3 times a day. At the time, I felt like I was in control.

What I didn't realize until later though, was I was completely out of control. I was being dishonest with myself and my husband. I was putting my health, mental and physical, further at risk. The shame I started to feel was putting my spiritual life in jeopardy. After confessing my sins to God and my husband, I was able to break free from the hold that bingeing and purging had on me.

After that, I was back to being anxious about food. My weight loss stalled. I'm still in that holding pattern, but I'm hopeful. I won't stop digging for answers within. I also keep praying for answers to my emotional issues surrounding eating. The following verses have been meaningful to me when I think about my life and my fight with one of my enemies: food.

¹To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;

² in you I trust, O my God.
       Do not let me be put to shame,
       nor let my enemies triumph over me.
³ No one whose hope is in you
       will ever be put to shame,
       but they will be put to shame
       who are treacherous without excuse.
⁴ Show me your ways, O LORD,
       teach me your paths;
⁵ guide me in your truth and teach me,
       for you are God my Savior,
       and my hope is in you all day long.

Psalm 25: 1-5

Do I love sleep more than the gym?

2010-02-06T01:17:00.001-05:00

I want to be one of those people who can give up sleep to go to the gym. You know, that person who wakes up at 5 am and spends 3 hours every morning stretching, weight lifting and running. I wish I could be that person.

But, I'm that person who shows up sometimes at 8 am and works out for 30 minutes because she has to be home in time for her husband to go to work. Or the person who runs out the door when her husband comes home to fit in a quick workout before dinner. It's really not working out that well. The problem is there isn't enough time once everyone is up in the morning and I can't keep making my family wait for dinner so I can squeeze in a workout. And by the time the kids are in bed, I usually don't want to don my workout clothes and go sweat for an hour.

I've been reading this blog called Inspired to Action. The woman who writes it encourages moms to get a jump start on their day, waking up before their kids to spend time reading the Bible, having quiet time with God, exercising and planning their day. I think she said she gets up at 5:30 am.

I can't even imagine a world where I would get up at 5:30. I don't even know if I could get up that early, even though I know I probably should get up earlier than I do.

The question is, can I give up sleep to make a better me? That remains to be seen.

I learned something very valuable today

2010-02-03T16:02:00.000-05:00

I learned that running won't kill me. During my regular walk around the track at the gym, I ran 5 laps! I didn't collapse, I didn't stroke out and I didn't die. I DID IT! And you know what? I felt like I could have gone to the Olympics when I was done. Who knew how empowering running can make you feel.

I used to watch the Biggest Loser and watch those folks (some of whom were much heavier than me) run on that treadmill while Jillian screamed at them. I was always amazed that they could actually run. I mean, those were fat people like me, and surely I couldn't do that. It's too much weight to propel through the air.

I would try jogging and would only make it 20 -30 feet before I felt like I couldn't continue. What I never did was push myself. Get past that uncomfortable feeling and realize that I could keep going. I never gave myself the chance to prove that I could just feel the pain and do it anyway.

Well, after doing it today, I'm never going to believe myself when I say that I can't do it. I'm going to tell that stupid inner voice to shut up and I'm going to push myself every day!

What do I desire most?

2010-01-31T23:23:00.000-05:00

This morning, my pastor said that we often get what we desire most. He said the reason we don't get what we desire isn't due to the height of the obstacles, but the depth of our desire. It got me thinking... What do I desire most?

Do I really desire having a healthier body? Do I really desire having a closer relationship with God? If those things were something I truly desired, I would make much better choices about how I spend my time.

My sister-in-law and I are starting our 60-Day challenge today. I want to work hard at the things I desire, especially during the next 60 days. Those of you who are reading, please push me and encourage me during these next few months. I want to see some serious changes.

60 Day Challenge

2010-01-27T23:57:00.000-05:00

I had an appointment with my trainer at the gym this morning. Instead of working out, she wanted to check my progress, meaning I had to get on the scale, among other things. Since October, I had only lost 2 1/4 pounds. I knew that it wasn't going to be spectacular, but it was still a bit embarrassing to get on the scale in front of her. I also had to get back on the treadmill and do a fitness test. While I was on there, she asked me what was going on. She said that she knows that I come to the gym alot, so she knows it isn't that I'm not working out. So I confessed to her that I'm still struggling alot with my food. We had a heart to heart while I was on the treadmill and she said something to me that I never expected. She said, "I know you go to church. You believe that Jesus can save you from your sins. Don't you believe he can save you from this?" She was definitely right. I need to remember to bring this before God everyday. I need to remember that He wants me to be healthy and whole. It's something I only recently came to understand, but I still forget every once in a while.

Well, we pushed my next appointment with her to roughly 60 days from now. We took some measurements as well as my body fat percentage (that's scary) and she challenged me to up my intensity at the gym and work on my food issues more, by keeping a food journal and keeping closer count of my calories. I also know that I have to start addressing the emotional behaviors that keeping me from making progress. Baby steps...baby steps.

The best weight loss tool ever!

2010-01-26T17:41:00.000-05:00

I bet you'd like to know what it is... It's a giant bottle of Miralax! :)

After not eating all day, drinking a gallon of Powerade Zero mixed with a giant bottle of Miralax and sitting in the bathroom ( or running to the bathroom) all evening, I lost a total of 4 pounds in one day!! For those of you who don't know, it was all in preparation for a colonoscopy that I had this morning. It was truly a cleansing experience.

The biggest thing I noticed while fasting yesterday was that not only do I think about food all the time, I eat tiny little bits of food all the time. You know, the little crumbs off the kids plate, the bit of jelly or peanut butter that sticks to the knife, testing the sauce to make sure it tastes good. I have my fingers in food all the time. When I was in Weight Watchers two years ago, the leader used to talk about writing down every BLT. BLT stands for bites, licks and tastes. She said those can sometimes be up to 100 calories or more.

Another sad thing about yesterday was the amount of time I spent thinking and obsessing about food. I watched the Food Network and 3 or 4 episodes of Cook's Country. I moaned and groaned about everything they prepared and felt just raw in my stomach when they took bites of it. I have no earthly idea why I would torture myself like that.

After my colonoscopy (which came out fine, btw) all I thought about was, please let me eat!!! My mom stopped at Big Apple Bagel on the way home and I got a beautiful toasted bagel. It felt like it was filled with all the love and joy in the whole world! And tonight I'm having dinner with a friend. I'm looking forward to that too.

Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully filled with moderation and not obsession. I'm hopeful that one day, food will be like gasoline in my car, and not my everything. I need my everything to be something wayyyyy more eternal than that.

I can't eat today and it's killing me!

2010-01-25T17:56:00.000-05:00

I haven’t eaten a thing all day and I can’t until noon tomorrow. I’m having a procedure done in the morning. I am so hungry I could just eat the couch. I had to make breakfast and lunch for my kids and serve them snacks all the while wanting to lick my fingers or sneak a bite. I’ve got a headache and as you can tell, I’m whiny. I know I’m going to make it until tomorrow, but I just hate it.

I can barely stand to watch tv because every other ad is for some type of food product and I'm just salivating...

People read this??

2010-01-24T22:40:00.001-05:00

I started blogging just so I could keep track of what I was working on in my life and to vent about what was going wrong. I knew people would read it, but I always thought they would be people "out there" in the vast world of the internet. Not people I know. This brings a whole level of discomfort that I'm going to have to get over. People I know are going to know all my problems. People I know are going to know my weight. People I know are going to TALK to me about my problems and my weight!!!

AARRGGHHH!

That's the sound of me trying to get over myself. It's still a pride thing. God is working on me in this area. I'm hoping that by the end of the year I can tell all my truths with confidence that I am a work in progress.

On to my commitments for this week:

I am committing to getting all my Bible study materials done the days they are meant to be done. I am committing to setting aside time for prayer every day this week. I am committing to working through my full cleaning schedule this week.

Tomorrow I can't eat anything in preparation for my colonoscopy Tuesday. Please pray that food isn't all I'm thinking about tomorrow.

Rebellion and Shame

2010-01-22T22:09:00.001-05:00

Rebellion is one of my biggest issues, in a nutshell. It is one of the greatest roadblocks to me achieving my ultimate goals of losing weight, getting organized and living a more meaningful, mature life.

I have always had a defiant nature, just ask my parents! I am strong-willed, stubborn and sometimes quite immovable. When I was younger (I'm talking up until 5 or so years ago) if you told me to do one thing, I would want to do the other. I have authority issues. I hate being told what to do.

I thought I had done quite a bit of maturing in this area in the past few years. What I have come to realize, through a ton of introspection, is that I haven't really grown much in this area at all. What has happened, I think, is I've splintered into two very distinct attitudes. I desire what's good for me, what is of God and what is right. I desire a healthy body, an organized home and a mature attitude, but there is this rebellious child living in me yet.

If my husband asks if I really feel like I need to have that bowl of ice cream, I'll say that I can do whatever I want. My sister-in-law "caught" me grabbing a cookie after church. I just pulled a face at her and grabbed two!

I grew up as the only one in the family with a weight problem. I felt restricted in what I was allowed to eat, so I started sneaking food. I would wait until my mom was practicing the piano and then sneak into the cupboard and get something to eat. When I got and job and had my own money, I would buy food at school and when I finally got my license, I would stop at Taco Bell after school and eat food all the way home. I did a lot of private eating, hoping that no one would notice what was going on, not giving any thought to the fact that not only did I know what was going on, but God knew.

This didn't stop when I moved out on my own and eventually got married. I would hide food from Steve all the time. I would (and sometimes still do) buy something "forbidden" from the grocery store with the regular purchases and leave that bag in the car. When he was busy doing something else at night, I would sneak into the car to get a "fix". I was so used to sneaking that I was habitually dishonest with my husband. I even hide food from my kids.

This is one of the great components of the shame I feel about my food addiction. It's been so hard for me to stop the lying and the hiding. In my more mature moments, I tell Steve the truth and that in the future, I might still be trying to hide things from him. He is always gracious and forgiving, but I don't think he is completely aware of the depths of my obsession with hiding.

For me it isn't just that I'm an emotional eater or I like bad food. It's been decades of bad behavior, bad programming and rebellion that has shaped my food addiction. How do you unravel all of that?

Today I tried to combat my rebellious attitude by just doing the opposite. This afternoon I really wanted ice cream. Normally I eventually give in to my childish desires, but today I had some yogurt with frozen blueberries instead. When Steve got home, instead of staying home in my sweats, I went to the gym.

I need to be gracious enough with myself to say that I don't have to change years of bad behavior all at once. Even the smallest of steps can get you to your goal. You just have to keep on moving. Baby steps...Baby steps...

Weigh In Wednesday

2010-01-20T16:12:00.000-05:00

I got on the scale this morning and it finally budged. Granted I was only down a pound from Sunday, but I'll take that any day! I am pushing aside my pride and saying that as of this morning I am 311.5 pounds. I realized that the only shame in posting that number is if I continue to be that number. If I'm doing what I say I want to do, I shouldn't be in the 300's for long.

Now I'm off to go throw up....

ONE HOUR on the treadmill!!

2010-01-19T23:12:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty happy, if you couldn't figure that out. I even ran some! I wear a heart rate monitor at the gym so I can make sure my heart rate is in a good fat burning range. I never used to do that so I never knew if I was working out hard enough. I'll be going back to the gym tomorrow to lift weights. I really want to get into a good rhythm with regular workouts. Consistency has always been my downfall. Not this time though!

I'm going to get some sleep now. Weigh in day tomorrow! Maybe I'll even post the results here.

No more daily acts of trivia

2010-01-18T23:50:00.000-05:00

Goal for the week: Routines!

Step one is complete. I typed up a sheet that I'm calling my daily action plan (I know it sounds anal...). I found this great quote that says:

"In absence of clearly defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily acts of trivia."

I was like, "Right On!" It seems like everyday I run around like a headless chicken trying to get things done, but I just seem to make more work for myself and leave things half finished. I feel the same way at the gym. If I don't go with a plan, I end up just wasting time trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing...

Anyway, my daily action plan is just a sheet with areas to track health and fitness, food, appointments and a to-do list for the day. My idea behind it is to fill out the appointment/to-do list the night before so I have an accurate picture of what the day holds. I'm also going to write down what cleaning tasks and other chores are on tap for that particular day. I've also got a check list for taking my medications, how much water I'm drinking and whether I've remembered to floss (flossing is important!). I'm curious to see if this is something that actually helps me get my crap together each day.Next on the agenda is making a weekly cleaning schedule, breaking down my chores into manageable daily portions.

Another goal for the week is to get the gym 5 days this week. I went tonight and did 2.5 miles and did some ab work. Part of me wishes that I could spend hours there everyday... Swimming, walking, lifting weights, sitting in the hot tub. Too bad I don't have hours to spare.

A Whole Person...

2010-01-17T23:20:00.000-05:00

Just a short one tonight. It's been a very long day.

I just read this blog a few minutes ago and was very impressed by this woman's ability to just lay herself out there. She posted her weight and all her measurements online for the world to see. She's morbidly obese, like me. She has a whole person to lose, like me. She's very brave, however, and I'm still scared. I've been hiding all my life, in big and little ways. Lately, I've been trying to strip the layers away. I feel that God is telling me, challenging me to expose myself, not only to myself, but to others. There are just some things that feel too hard to do...like put my weight and measurements here on this blog. I know there aren't many people reading it, but even that doesn't matter. I'm still scared.

Just know that I am trying to work up the courage to step out into the open. Please pray that I can.

Routines, routines, routines...

2010-01-16T19:19:00.000-05:00

This week I will be working on establishing routines and systems for me and my household. I never have a clear picture of what I should be doing and when I should be doing it. I don't know what I'm going to cook for dinner, I don't know when I'm going to get the laundry done, I don't know when I'm going to fit the time in for a trip to the gym....

I'm going to work like a crazy person to get these routines figured out and typed up. For some reason, I tend to take things more seriously when they're typed up.

I'm hoping to get my "God Time" in later on tonight after the kids go to bed, but I have 2 half sheet pans of bars to make and I'm already tempted to go to bed. No, no excuses... I will do it.

The next thing.

2010-01-15T23:03:00.000-05:00

Spending more time with God is the first thing on my list for the year. The next thing is to take time for the two adults living in this house. A friend of mine has a sign in his office that says: God first, his wife next, then his children and lastly, his workplace. I thought that was a very appropriate way to order life. I'm just going to slide myself next to my husband in that list.

I'm not exactly sure how to improve the time I spend with my husband. We discovered not too long ago that we don't have a ton in common. He likes to play video games and I don't. I like to play board games, he doesn't. He's not a fan of going out to dinner and goes reluctantly when I suggest. We seem to have more fun when we go out with other people than when we go out just the two of us. We don't seem to have a lot to say other than things about the kids. We do love some of the same music, especially classic rock. There are also some movie genres we have in common, but if you'll notice, both music and movies are things where you don't have to talk while doing it.

For a while we were both in counseling, separately, but with the same counselor. She suggested spending time every day talking about what we did that day and how it made us feel. When we actually take the time to do that, I feel like we really find out a lot about each other. The problem we have is life is at a really stressful stage with the children that by the time we get them all settled and into bed, we are almost too exhausted to talk. We tend to gravitate to activities that don't require a lot out of us, like t.v. or computer. It takes a lot of intention to make a relationship work, that's for sure. It's not at all like it looks in the movies. :)

On to more eternal things...

During my "God time" today, I read from Psalm 2 and 3. In Psalm 3, David was crying out to God to deliver him from his enemies. He also knows that his timing isn't God's timing. He trusts that God will sustain him, no matter the trial. I struggle with trusting God's plans for my life. I admire how David has such a close, intimate relationship with God and I strive for such a close, trusting relationship with God.

A few of my favorite verses were Psalm 2: 12b, "Blessed are all who take refuge in him." And Psalm 3: 3, "But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head." These verses say to me if I'm on God's side, he's on mine. When storms are brewing, I can take refuge in God. These verses are truths I can hold on to.

Where to start?

2010-01-14T14:22:00.000-05:00

Maybe I should start with defining INTENTIONAL. Intentional means "done with intention; on purpose".

I want to stop sleepwalking and start making decisions. I want to start doing what I say I'm going to do. I want to make a plan and stick to it. I can do it!!

I've already started making a few small changes. I am brushing and flossing twice a day. The flossing thing is big for me. I'm also taking my vitamins, supplements and other meds when I'm supposed to take them. What a thought. :) I started doing this a week ago and that's a long time for me to stick with something.

The next thing on my list is to make time with God a priority. I'm committing to spending at least 30 minutes a day in God's Word. If I profess to be a Christian, I need to spend time learning more about Christ. I should desire to hang out with Him in prayer. I should put Him before Project Runway, for goodness sake. Thirty minutes is just a start. I want to get up to spending 60 minutes with Him daily, minimum, but you have to start somewhere.

I'm starting my "God Time" by reading through the Psalms. My friend Lori did this last summer and talked recently about how rich and meaningful it was for her. I've got a journal and everything and have already finished Psalm 1. It talks about the differences between the faithful and the faithless. It was also good to write down some prayer requests in my journal and spend some time praying specifically for people in my life. I am hoping to get to another Psalm tonight when I finish my Bible study materials.

Next on my list is actually a tie. I want to start investing in quality time with my husband (seeing as we don't generally get quantity, I may as well shoot for quality). I also want to start investing in quality time with myself. I want to get over my obsession with self-help books and actually start helping myself. More on those two things tomorrow...

This feels like my year...

2010-01-13T11:46:00.000-05:00

Although, I have to say that I've said that every year since I can remember. I have the best of intentions and end up faltering around February. This year I will try blogging as a way to keep me accountable and record how life is progressing with my new attitude.